Still, I know damn all about my sickness and don’t know for sure what it is I’ve got something wrong with (3). I am a sick man.I think I’ve got something wrong with my liver. Dostoyevsky speaks to this difficulty at the outset of Notes from the Underground, when the protagonist proclaims: It can be difficult to understand the nature of elusive diseases such as this one (if it is, in fact, a kind of disease). It has been trying to fill me up and provide me with utopic energies and visions that approach the pathological. The latter is a result of the limitations of language as well as (and most importantly) how my subjectivity has been positioned in relation to the amorous dimensions of my mother tongue in the North American context of what art scholar Natalie Loveless calls ‘repro-mono-hetero-normativity’ (Loveless 2019: 62). As such, this work can be understood more broadly as an attempt to undo/rebuild ways of loving prescribed by specific, North American, patriarchal Capitalist structures/systems of kinship and love (such as repro-mono-hetero-normativity) that interfere with my ability to utter amorously.Ī specific rendition of this feeling that is directed towards an unrequited love (with whom you will soon be acquainted) has been emerging in my everyday life more and more frequently these days. I view each score as an expanded form of a love letter. Here, expansion of form is a consequence of the tension that arose when I realized this word cannot begin to describe the particular experience with basorexia I am aiming to depict and convey to my love. These scores not only attempt to convey how I feel, but also how I feel about not being afforded a space to ‘legibly’ feel. Each stage is structured as an event score.įor readers who are unfamiliar with the medium of event scores, they can be understood, according to the artist Alison Knowles, as ‘.texts that can be seen as proposal pieces or instructions for actions’ which ‘involve simple actions, ideas, and objects from everyday life recontextualized as performance’ (Knowles). My scores provide poetic instructions that should be realized/performed in the performer/reader’s head. They are a recontextualization of a (nearly) everyday fantasy of my own as performance. Through this format, facets I have carefully chosen from my desire (not desire defined by a psychoanalytic theory or something like that) defined on my terms are distributed and shared in the space of fantasy the scores construct subjectivity interacts with desire and (hopefully) resists then ruptures rigid categorizations. My experience surrounds an unrequited love and is partitioned into six stages: Recognize Contemplate Fantasize Writhe Recognize Again and Warm Irritation Starts to Quiver. I explore this feeling by inviting the reader into my own personal experience with it that is conveyed through the form of event scores. This instance of basorexia serves as the meeting ground through which amorous undoing/rebuilding moves.īasorexia means the overwhelming desire, or sudden urge, to kiss someone. This work attempts to simultaneously undo and re-build ways of loving. It is a contemplation of a specific relationship of unspoken intimacy and it sits with and within the space where language fails to adequately give full expression to feeling. More specifically, it depicts and is an unfolding of an experience I have had and continue to have with the feeling, basorexia.
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